Badbang the Guinea Pig and the Cursed Koosh Ball
by SAKBL
Summary: Badbang the evil hamster tries to conquer Salamandastron with the Cursed Koosh Ball that only Martin's sword can destroy. The only problem is that the Redwallers found out that the sword they have isn't Martin's sword. The Redwallers set out to find the s
1. Ch 1 Introducing Badbang

A/N This is a parody, and we took turns with every other paragraph, so don't be to surprised at the awfulity of it. Our name stands for Society for the Advancement of Koosh Balls in Literature, or SAKBL. Watch for Harry Potter and the Curse of the Cursed Koosh Ball!

Chapter 1

Badbang was in a foul mood. Actually, he was always in a bad mood, it was just that today he was particularly grumpy. It might have had something to do with the fact that he had been wandering around in the forest with a horde of vermin at his back for three days. Three rainy days, to be precise. At this point, any of the vermin that had had any motivation to begin with were beginning to change their minds about army life. Those that hadn't had any motivation to start with were already long gone. It infuriated Badbang that he couldn't do anything about the desertions, but as what was left of his army was about ready to leave, he couldn't really send them out to murder any vermin stupid enough to still be within his reach. It was entirely probable that no one would come back if he did. Even his guinea pig captains, specially trained at Fort Marshbank, were beginning to grumble.

Badbang looked around and spotted something lying in the grass. He picked it up and immediately felt a burning sensation on his forearm, but payed more attention to the thing in his hand. The thing was green and bouncy and about the size of his fist with a gold chain looped through the top. He put the thing around his neck, and the rain stopped instantly. He turned around to see if his horde had noticed, and saw three stoats walking nervously toward him, all clutching marks on there forearms. Badbang glanced down at his own arm, and to his surprise, saw a mark the shape of the thing in his hand.

He beckoned for the stoats to advance, and they came forward not without some show of trembling. "Well, what do you want?" he asked abruptly.

The three stoats argued with one another for a minute before the other two pushed one out in front of Badbang. "Sorry to bother you, your Captain Honor Sir," he stammered, "but we were just wondering…"

Badbang cut in angrily. "It isn't your business to wonder! I do the thinking here! You do the fighting when I tell you to! Now get out of my sight!" The three stoats turned tail and fled back to the camp. Badbang grimaced. These vermin were really substandard. Stupid, presumptuous, and cowards too. He was never going to be able to conquer Salamandastron with a horde of that kind of vermin at his back.

At the fire mountain, Spear Lady Gorse was hammering the tip of a new spear, when one of her runners appeared at the door of her forge room. "Runner Datewit reporting, marm!"

"Stand at ease," The runner adopted the at ease position. "Now, report. Any sign of that guinea pig and his horde?"

"I sighted Badbang about two days to the south to here, marm. He was marching steadily, but seems to have stopped for a while."

"Any sign why?

"None."

"Very well. Dismissed, and send Leafwit to me.

The hare made an elegant salute and loped off to the barracks. Leafwit was lounging on his cot in a rumpled tunic adorned with large gravy spots. Datewit rolled her eyes to the ceiling and tapped him lightly on the shoulder. "Private Leafwit, yer to report to Spear Lady Gorse in the forge." Eyeing his tunic she added, "And if I were you, I'd change clothes first."

Leafwit regarded her with an injured expression. "Wot, wot? Now, I won't have a Runner as young as you ordering me around! I'm a private, don't ya know!"

"Exactly, yer a private. And I, on the other hand, am a Runner, first class, too. Not that it really matters. Those orders are direct from the Badger Lady, and if you want to go disobeying orders, that's up to you!"

Leafwit groaned and heaved himself off his cot, rummage in the small cabinet by it for a clean tunic. Datewit retreated from the room and into the kitchens. She'd been out on patrol for three days, and not a half decent bite to eat the whole time! It was a pity really.

Leafwit put on his least stained tunic and trudged off to the forge room.

Lady Gorse frowned at his stained tunic as he walked in and threw a quick salute.

"Leafwit, I was going to promote you to captain, however, judging by your tunic, I may have to reconsider.'

"Oh no, marm, I was just eating."

"And do you usually toss your food all over your tunic?"

"Sorry, marm, won't happen again marm. I promise if you promote me I'll do a good job!"

"Very well. Go to the armory and find yourself a suitable weapon. Choose two privates to go with you. I need you to find the guinea pig Badbang and his horde and find out why they've stopped. There may be a good reason, and I need to know it. Dismissed."

"Yes sah!"

The new captain jogged off to the armory to find a good weapon. The armory was a large hall whose walls hung with almost every kind of weapon imaginable. Leafwit tested a few before finally deciding on a rather deadly looking saber which he proceeded to tuck into his belt at a jaunty angle. He then swaggered back down to the barracks to recruit his two other hares for the coming expedition.


	2. The Beginning of the Quest

Chapter 2

Badbang surveyed what remained of his vermin horde as they stood at attention under his sharp eyes. They were a sorry looking lot, he decided. Even his guinea pig captains hadn't even managed to clean the rust off their daggers for the inspection. As for the rest, half of them didn't even have decent weapons anymore. That would have to be dealt with. He wasn't stupid enough to go to battle with an army that didn't have a decently sharpened saber amongst themselves. His eyes ranged over the horde until he spotted the three stoats that had approached him the day before. He beckoned to them, and whole horde stood silently as they proceeded, trembling, to stand in front of Badbang. Badbang eyed them with intense dislike and then addressed the throng before him. "It seems that some of you think that you can get away with slovenly behavior. That may have been the case in the last horde you were in, but that is not the case here. Now, just this once, I am not going to bring my wrath down on the lot of you. Instead," here he gestured at the shaking stoats, "I am going to make a little example of these fellows here. Maybe it will remind you that the next time I inspect this horde you ought to look like an army, not a munch of rag tag bandits without a sharp dagger among them! You," he called to a nervous guinea pig in the front row, "come over here, and do me a small favor. You will dispose of these three in the usual manner - hanging will do I suppose. And you will do it where the rest of this sloppy horde can see it and remember!"

Leafwit chose two young leverets, just into the ranks. "You Seawit, and you, Cloudwit. We're going scouting."

"Great! Who's our leader?" the young Seawit asked.

"I am! Duh,"

"But you're just a private like us. Besides, why would we want to take orders from you?" the irrepressible Cloudwit piped up.

"Wrong, I'm a Captain now, and you're lucky I don't punish you for that. Now come on. I want to get an early start. Get your weapons and let's go."

And with that the domineering captain strode off to pack his own clothes.

Leafwit met the leverets at the front door and rolled away the stone. They set off at a fast lope towards Mossflower. He felt like he was forgetting something, but said nothing to the inferior privates.

"So where are we going?"

"That's for me to Know and you to find out, young Cloudwit."

"Hey that's not fair! You're only a season older than me!"

By the time they reached the dunes, it was evening, and the hares were hungry and exhausted. It was then that Leafwit realized what he had forgotton.

"So, what's for dinner?" Seawit asked cheerfully.

"Yeah, what is for dinner?" Cloudwit repeated, trying to get a look into Leafwit's pack. "You did bring the food, right? 'Cause we didn't!"

Leafwit suddenly remembered what it was he had forgotten – the food!

Back at the mountain, the cook, Foodwit, nervously called Spear Lady Gorse and explained what had happened.


End file.
